What can my girlfriend and I do on dates so that we don’t end up going too far?

Step number one begins by only dating people who share your morals. If you don’t know a girl’s moral beliefs, then you obviously don’t know her well enough to date her. Take your time to get to know a young woman as a friend before you commit to a relationship. During that season of friendship, your values will come to the surface, and you can decide if the two of you would make a good couple. If she doesn’t have strong morals, don’t commit to her, hoping that she’ll change.

When you’re in a relationship, make the effort to set set guidelines in order to avoid temptations. If you are alone at home at 11:00 at night and kissing your girlfriend on the couch, it is not the best time to start thinking about your boundaries. Know them in advance, because your judgment will be anything but objective during a passionate moment.

Talking about these things will open up communication and contribute to a healthy relationship. Often couples who establish these boundaries and goals feel a new sense of freedom, peace, and security in the relationship. When you talk about this, don’t say things like, “We should try to be more pure.” This kind of resolution is worthless. Be specific. The bottom line is that you can talk about your boundaries, you can even write them down together, and even be in total agreement. But, these rules do not change one's heart. The desires will remain, especially if you want to get a little sexually aroused, and then slam on the brakes. Although it sounds strange, the more pure you are with her, the easier it will be to remain pure. The more you tease yourself, the greater the desires will be.

While discussing your boundaries, you may realize that the two of you are wired differently. For example, a woman needs to realize that a man’s body works differently than hers. She might be content snuggling with a guy, but the guy’s body is working at a much faster pace. Be honest with yourself and with each other, and make your resolutions clear. Men respond and work best when they have a concrete goal and feel they are needed for a task. Your task is to uphold her dignity.

You may also want to buy her (and yourself) a purity ring, as a visible sign of your love and your commitment to be pure. If you don’t have any money, tell your parents about this. I am sure your mom or dad would be more than willing to fork over some money for a chastity ring!

Besides these ideas, I also recommend going on group dates, since you are less likely to get into tempting situations with good friends around you. Be careful about spending too much time alone. Even if you do not group date, people are so stuck on going to dinner and a movie that dates can get pretty monotonous. Get creative, and do some service work together for a change. Maybe the two of you could buy groceries, make lunches, and pass them out to poor people downtown. If you are into sports, then try some sport together that you have never done. Or, bring her to your house (with your parents or roommate home), and cook her dinner. Even if you don’t know how to cook, give it a shot. You’ll at least make her laugh.

The important thing is to plan ahead for a date, especially if it will be in the evening. When a couple has not put any effort into it, it is easier for boredom to set in, and they may become sexually intimate since they cannot think of anything else to do. Lastly—and perhaps most importantly—avoid places where the two of you have fallen in the past. If you have a favorite scenic overlook, do not expect to drive there late at night with her and end up playing Scrabble. If the two of you always seem to go too far when you are at her house alone, go somewhere else or wait for her parents to get home before you visit. Likewise avoid alcohol and drugs, since these are the gateway to many regrets.

I just rattled off a bunch of useful guidelines, but it is important to recognize that guidelines do not create purity of heart. They create a safer environment in which the virtue of purity can grow. Purity comes from the desire to love. As a guy, you know that some men go to great lengths to plan a night so that they say and do all the right things to get a woman to hop in bed with them. They know their goal, plan ahead, and achieve what they set out to do. We men have a great deal to learn from these guys—not in regard to their goal but in regard to their focused determination. Before spending time with a young woman, we must have a premeditated agenda and deliberate plans to honor the girl. Instead of being determined to take from the girl—to “get some”—we are called to empty ourselves and to direct our creativity, skill, and passion toward selfless love instead of selfish lust.

It is through this emptying of ourselves that we find our manhood. By striving toward purity together, you will find a unique bond that is known by few couples.