For starters, I want you to read what a girl recently emailed to me:
"This past summer changed my life forever. Well you see, I knew this guy and we had been friends a while. We had done stuff with each other before, but one night we decided to go a little farther. I didn't love him and I knew he didn't love me. We ended up having sex. The next day I thought it was a dream because I couldn't believe I had done that. I couldn't get it through my head that I wasn't a virgin anymore and that I never would be again. And that's when my life took a turn for the worst. The guy started to think he could get me whenever he wanted.... and it turned out that he could. We ended up doing it again. Then I had sex with another boy from my school. For weeks I tried to come up with excuses and reasons why it was okay that I had done all of these things. I then realized why I fall for every guy. I fall for every guy who gives me attention. I think I felt pleased and noticed and wanted when a guy would flirt with me and wanted to hang out. I would think to myself, 'Oh, he must think I'm cool. I guess I'd do stuff with him.' I never thought it was wrong because almost everyone else I knew was doing stuff, too."
This poor girl was so hypnotized by the attention given to her by passing boys that she never wanted to see what she was doing to herself. We've all played the same denial game. When we're falling away from our standards, we always try to justify it. We think to ourselves, "Well, it's not like I'm doing this, or that." But sometimes we get so focused on what we're not doing that we don't realize what we are doing.
Now is the time to focus on what you are doing. You're having uncommitted hook ups. You're better than this. You said that he's all you have, but since he's not even giving you the courtesy of committing to you, you don't even have him. I know this is a scary thought, especially if your family situation isn't that great. I'm not sure if that's the case, but if it is, you must realize that this guy is not your husband, and he can't give you the love that may be missing in your family.
So, perhaps what you need right now is to work on getting closer to your family. Sure, this is easier said than done, but that's the relationship that you need to build right now. If you feel there is no love in your family, bring the love yourself. Start with whoever you think is easiest to love, and work on building up that relationship. As you become more comfortable giving love under your own roof, extend that love to the members of your family who you find hardest to love. Do acts of kindness for them, especially ones that they won't know you did. We often complain about our family situations, and act like helpless victims. But we have more power than we'd like to imagine.
In the meantime, step away from this guy. His passing attention is very different from the real, lasting love that you deserve.